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Step 10: Accelerate Trust During and Beyond Divorce

By Lisa Brick

It is very difficult to trust oneself when the choices you made, who you married, how you’ve interacted with that person over the years, what you’ve chosen to focus on in life, have led to standing on the precipice of divorce.  It makes sense to think that you are the LAST person to trust as life unravels around you.  Maybe that’s so for part of you.  Maybe it’s not so for another part.  

What if the part you have been listening to when you originally chose to marry your spouse or you continued to accept his/her painful behaviors since, is not the only part that has something to say? If you are being honest with yourself you will recognize that there was another voice, one deep within, that has been quietly sharing that something has been off, that the life you have been living had some rot at its core, and that you have been diminished by ignoring it. How do you begin listening to that part of yourself, the one that sees the inconvenient, uncomfortable truths and guides you down the paths that are less traveled?  

By the way, if you’ve read this far and are beginning to notice that you are blaming yourself for this divorce, stop. This is more important than beating yourself up.  Chances are your spouse has that area covered. The shame that comes with blame keeps you blind to your issues around relationships with self and others. This is about taking responsibility for your life and focusing on how you act rather than how your spouse acts, so you can begin accepting where you are now and taking a step by step route to the healthiest place to go to next.  Exercising your choices, however limited they seem to be, and navigating them with awareness combined with listening to your intuition is the wisest way forward.   
 

There are so many choices to make, and so much often conflicting advice from family, friends, neighbors, legal, financial, and psychological consultants, magazine articles, random websites,  YouTube channels, etc.  Divorce can feel like a minefield of choices. It doesn’t have to be.  This is where intuition, combined with your other resources, is a welcome guide.  
 

Collecting information is useful.  Examining different ideas about when and how to divorce, choose an attorney, tell the children, collect essential paperwork, manage your feelings, address finances, take stock of your financial and emotional resources, take care of yourself during the divorce process, is vitally important. Intuition is a powerful go-to when it's time to choose your starting point on any one of these issues.  

Imagine you have spoken to three attorneys and can’t tell which one to choose.  The first one spoke to you at length and recommended a mediated divorce to keep your legal expenses to a minimum.  The second one had a brash, take charge personality and reassured you he would do whatever it took to get you the least or most alimony and child custody/support you deserved depending upon your position in the marriage. The third told you that given what you shared about your spouse it sounded like this would be a contentious divorce, you have a role in tamping down the contentiousness without giving in, and to prepare for a long and expensive road ahead. One of the attorney’s had a small disorganized office. Another was part of a big legal firm with a very well appointed suite of offices. The third’s office was small, neat and evidently busy. Three very different styles and messages. How to choose? 
 

No one knows how your spouse behaves, given the way you have approached him/her, better than you. If you reflect on the sum total of your experiences with your spouse, what kind of an impression he/she makes on others, and the resources you have for divorce and then sit with who you felt most comforted by vs who you felt was the most honest and realistic, your intuition will chime in. 
 

Your intuition will also tell you if something feels off once you’ve made your choice. Intuition, even combined with knowledge and experience, cannot always guarantee a desired outcome.  Not consulting with or listening to your intuition almost always guarantees an outcome that is not desirable.  
 

Now imagine that you are negotiating custody.  Every cell in your body feels that your child is better off with you. You don’t approve of your spouse’s lifestyle and neither do your friends and family. You know that custody battles are lengthy, expensive, and emotionally damaging to children. The articles you are reading tell you over and over again that children who have regular access to both of their parents during and post divorce emerge psychologically healthier. You are aware that more and more judges are leaning towards 50/50 custody. Your intuition could shed light on how to proceed. It can speak beyond your ego, beyond your surety, and can guide you to do what is best for your children at the same time you proactively address your concerns. The choice could go either way.   

Intuition, the quiet, small voice within that tells us that something is beneficial or something is off, is too often dismissed. When we thought it “was time” to be married and that our soon-to-be-spouse was “good enough” despite the red flags we knew were there we silenced our intuition.  We rationalized that our love, time, maturity, marriage, money, etc. would change him/her. The louder voice was reinforcing the it “was time” narrative. We were being left behind while everyone else was having weddings and then kids. The louder, often critical voice, screamed “what if no one better comes along?”  It told us “this is the best you can do”.  When the neglect or abuse began the loud inner critic told us we deserved it. We were experiencing what we were because of our inadequacies. If we were a better person, spouse, parent, smarter, richer,  more attractive, and/or more interesting it wouldn’t be like this. We deserved how we were being treated. We folded and contorted into shapes impossible to hold to be “more deserving” yet none of it worked, or worked but not for long. Our spouse got progressively less and less appreciative, less and less kind. The deeper, quieter voice of intuition knew we were in trouble but we were too deep in already. 

There were reasons not to heed your intuition. You swore to yourself that you were not going to do to your kids what your parents’ divorce did to you. You knew that you couldn’t raise your children on the income you could make as a single parent, at least not the way you were accustomed to living. You didn’t want to lose a night with your children let alone days, weeks, and months. You didn’t want the stigma of divorce. You didn’t want to admit failure or feel foolish, especially to the people who warned you that this marriage wasn’t a “good” idea or thought you were the perfect family/couple. Perhaps you discovered you had a chronic illness or had an accident that made it harder or impossible for you to be independent. Maybe the lifestyle was too easy and provided too many perks to leave behind.  
 

Individuals stay in unhealthy codependent relationships for understandable reasons. The logic is solid yet the costs keep mounting.  Intuition was spot on regardless of your choice to ignore it. It spoke truth then, when the price of listening was too great. It speaks truth now, when the price of ignoring it is too great.     

You can use intuition to inform this phase of life. Being mindful of the inner critic and naming it for what it is, a broken record of all of the voices that were unable to see, support, or sooth you as a child and young person, robs it of your slavish devotion to it. Mindfulness slows you down to notice its poison and gives you a choice to take it seriously or not. When you don’t take it seriously it quiets down and allows you to hear a wisdom below its squawking. By adding a practice of meditation to mindfulness you further eliminate mind static so intuition can arise spontaneously.  By attending to your Intuition tapping into it can become effortless. Eventually it will arise of its own volition and offer you its guidance. 
 

Intuition is defined as the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. It’s a source when all the conscious reasoning in the world does not point to a clear choice. Intuition isn’t about being right. Intuition supports you to choose an action from a place deeper than conscious knowing and pulls on everything to inform the direction to head in.   

Listening to your intuition does not mean you have to blindly obey, no more than listening to the inner critic that has contributed to the havoc you’re now living.  Listening means you can factor its message in with the information you’ve gathered. You can use your experience, the information, and your intuition to light your way forward. It’s there for you, a free and limitless resource! 
 

Are you ready to really dig deep and discover the steps to cultivating your intuition. You can make it a strength that you can learn to trust and rely upon.

If that's a YES then book your FREE Rapid Relief Call NOW! 

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