Voices Of Celebration: How I Reclaimed My Sanity, Self Esteem, And My Life!
Jun 20, 2022While navigating divorce, fear of the unknown often drives us to replace our uncertainty with a catastrophic worst case scenario about our future. However, our greatest fears rarely come true. Today’s session is designed to provide you with hope and encouragement as you hear one woman’s journey from fear and overwhelm to a post divorce life that is very different from what she feared. Tune in as she shares the struggles she faced with her narcissistic ex, and how while he never changed, she changed so much that she rarely feels anxiety around interactions with him.
Elle shares how she is living a peaceful and joyful life in spite of the fact that she has been divorced for 8 years, co-parenting/parallel parenting her school age child with his dad (and has many years left to go before her child is emancipated). Elle shares specific tools and strategies she received from coaching that you too can use to minimize the stress and tension in your situation.
Journey Beyond Divorce Resources mentioned in this episode:
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Voices Of Celebration: How I Reclaimed My Sanity, Self Esteem, And My Life!
This episode is entitled How I Reclaimed My Sanity Self-Esteem and My Life. It's particularly special as we examine one woman's story of her real-life journey from the pain of early divorce to the freedom and calm of her post-divorce life. I've been sharing with you a variety of experts who've offered their wisdom and advice on legal, psychological, and practical issues. In this episode, we're taking a moment to celebrate the powerful personal transformation that's possible for each one of you when you dare to keep the focus on yourself and do the inner work that is vital to heal and emerge from your high-conflict divorce whole and healthy.
I'm excited about my special guest. She's a former Journey Beyond Divorce client, and we'll refer to her as Elle to protect her anonymity. When I first met Elle, she was like most clients who, when they first reach out, are filled with fear and constant overwhelm. Elle still navigates chaos and contention with her ex-husband, which she'll be sharing with us. Yet she also enjoys the gifts of peace, confidence, and even joy and healthy love relationships.
Elle's post-divorce life represents the story of so many of our Journey Beyond Divorce clients who find that they're not only able to survive their high-conflict divorce, but that they thrive, that they're better rather than bitter and fully able to attract and enjoy healthy people in their lives post-divorce. I'm excited to welcome Elle. Elle, thanks so much for your willingness to take the time and share your story with our audience. Let's dive in, Elle, and begin. This series is on high-conflict divorce. Can you just share with our audience why you would categorize your divorce as high conflict?
I don't think there's a part of my divorce that is not high conflict. Everything about it involves some conflict. Issues that wouldn't normally be an issue about anything will turn into an issue. There's an argument about everything. There's never a simple yes or no answer. Everything is just very combative. For those reasons, I would say it's definitely high conflict all the time.
How long has it been since you first filed for divorce? Just to give our readers a sense of how long you're in it.
It's been about 8 or 9 years.
If I remember correctly, when you started, your child was quite young, right?
Yes.
When you came to me, what would you say were some of the key issues that you were struggling with the most?
Initial Anxiety & Emotional Abuse From Constant Communication
There were a bunch of things, but I would say one of the biggest issues was that I felt I had no peace and I was extremely anxious. I was just a walking ball of anxiety. There were there were a lot of things that were setting me off and, and putting me into a panic state. In particular, I felt that I was being bombarded with a lot of emails, text messages and phone calls that were basically abusive, emotionally abusive. I felt that they were never ending and they were just constant. I wasn't able to shut that out of my life.
The communication that you were dealing with was high conflict and constant, and would you say that was the cause of a lot of your anxiety?
It was, because I felt that the majority of it was unwanted. I felt that I wasn't instigating any communication, but the communication was constantly coming to me and almost baiting me. I felt that I was constantly dragged into these arguments that I didn't even want to get involved in. The few times that I did have to reach out for something that may have been important, because our child was very young, just everyday caretaking issues, I dreaded even reaching out for simple things to discuss. Bottles and diapers and feeding and clothing. Just very simple, everyday things became extremely stressful. The idea of communicating was extremely stressful.
On top of it, I was getting so many emails and text messages, and we all know those come along with notifications. It was becoming so that those notifications were becoming a trigger and sending me into a panic mode. I was having a Pavlovian response to that little ding that your phone gives you to let you know that you received an email or a text message. It got to the point where it didn't even matter who the message was coming from. If I received a notification, my stomach would flip, and I felt that I was just on edge all the time.
At this point, you were actually post-divorce, weren't you, when you first came to me?
Yes, I was.
What's interesting is I recall so clearly that you didn't feel that you had any out, that there was no possibility except to receive the messages, respond to the messages, and be constantly in the ring, engaging with this individual.
He can write whatever he wants—it doesn't make it true. I don't have to read it, just like I wouldn't listen if he said it to my face. I always have the power to walk away, even from an email.
Correct. I also felt that at that point I had gotten my divorce, I had moved out, and I had thought that at that point I would feel some sense of freedom. I felt that I was still being dragged down by this person and I was almost still attached.
That's such a great point because so often, we talk to our clients and we say, “You're so focused on the legal divorce,” but then there's the what i'll refer to as the emotional divorce, the real detachment and disconnection from that dysfunctional dance that you've been doing. Yet you found yourself post-divorce in that exact same dysfunctional interaction. We talked about the fact that the communication and whether it's constant texts or emails that are the size of a dissertation or whatever, that there are boundaries that one can set around those. Do you remember your comfort level in considering setting those boundaries?
Establishing Boundaries & Gaining Control Over Communication
I do remember that there were a couple of boundaries that you helped me set that, at first, I never even considered. I didn't think it was possible for me to be able to do that. Having a small child, I felt that I needed to be in contact in case of an emergency. I remember you walked me through, realizing that in the email is not an emergent way to get to somebody. If there was an emergency, it wouldn't be through an email.
I could set aside and check emails when I was ready and when I was in a good mental place where I could give myself a little pep talk and maybe psych myself up before I read it to say whatever's written in here, if it's mean or if it's insulting, I'm just not going to continue to read it. I had a hard time starting with it, but talking through it with you, I remember you really helped me come to realize the reality of it and that it was possible.
There's so much fear in the beginning that, because you've also been told so often how you are wrong and you are bad, that you're about to do something bad and wrong. Certainly, when there are shared children, there's a fear that I'm going to make a mistake and my kid's going to be taken away from me. Setting those boundaries, we talked about setting up folders so that you didn't see the email in your inbox. I think that was one of them. The other thing, and this happens with so many clients, is that you would read the emails no matter how abusive they were in the beginning.
Yes. I'm not sure why, but I was just under the assumption that I had to listen to whatever it was that he had to say. I remember you helping me get to the point where I could say he can write whatever he wants. It doesn't make it true, and I don't have to listen to it, just like I wouldn't listen to it if he was saying it to my face. I would always have the ability to walk away. I have the ability to walk away from an email.
Even on the texts, I think we talked about a way that you didn't have to have that notification that triggered you, even if he was going to be sending texts on a regular basis.
I forget the specifics of it. But we did make it so that I don't get the auditory signal when there is a text message. It gives me a little bit more freedom to brace myself and not have to read it if I don't feel like it at that point in time.
I just want to ask you, when we just look at that one piece of it, not getting the ding when the text message came in and it's you can actually put an individual on do not disturb by hiding just their notification. It shows up in your text, but you're not getting the ding. What was happening, if I remember correctly, was your day was being more controlled by your ex because you were engaging with his communication when it came in. As we work through this, you began to engage with his communication when you decided you were ready and able.
My cell phone is in my pocket while I'm at work. I was finding that the constant influx of the texts and the emails was really disruptive to my workday. It was taking over. By being able to implement the tools that you helped me with, I was able to now focus on my job and spend X amount of hours without being interrupted by the person I didn't want to be interrupted by. It was life changing. It really was.
How would you best describe the shift for you when just that communication piece was no longer front and center controlling you?
I would have to say that I guess I feel like I have a little more control over my environment because I don't feel like I'm being attacked on a regular basis. It really made it so that I could basically decide at what time I'm going to allow somebody to insult me if they're going to insult me, or if I even want to listen to it at all. A lot of freedom comes with that.
I was at a place where I felt like I would be interrupted. Even on a weekend at a party, out to dinner when I'm with family, when I'm with friends, and then constantly getting these messages would ruin the event that I was at. It really helped to be able to put that aside and say, “This is my time right now. This is my time to enjoy and nobody's going to take that away from me,” especially this person. I can push them out during this specific time when there is no emergency or if my child is with me, I know that there's no emergency because he's with me. I would say that the freedom that it comes with was life-changing.
That's so on point. That's great that you said that. So many of the people who are reading, so many of my high-conflict clients deal with that feeling controlled by communication. The other piece that you didn't mention, so I just want to ask quickly, was we were just talking about this in a group, the feeling that you have to defend every accusation that comes forward.
The Power Of No Longer Defending Against Accusations
Yes. I was defending myself left and right, and I felt that I needed to. I think that's just a natural reaction. If somebody accuses you of something, you want to defend yourself, and you were able to help me get to the point where I don't need to do that. That's a mindset change. That’s a, “You can say whatever you want. It doesn't make it true mindset.” No longer defending myself also helped to end the battles because the more I would defend myself, the more I would receive and return. It would just continue the argument, it would continue the conversation where my ex would see that as participation instead of defense.
It's almost like pouring some gasoline on the fire when you really just want it to go out when you defend.
To end a game of tug-of-war, you have to drop the rope.
Exactly. I remember something that you told me very well, which was, in order to end a game of tug of war, you have to drop the rope. That's my version of dropping the rope. Not defending myself, not responding if it doesn't warrant a response.
Perfect. My initial question was what were you struggling with the most? One thing was all of the communication and how often it came in and how contentious it was. What else were you struggling with in the early stages?
Early Struggles & Self-Discovery Through Adversity
I was struggling with the fear that other people were going to believe everything that he was saying or the image that he was trying to create of me. Teachers, doctors, professionals, court professionals, friends, the smear campaign is real. I felt very self-conscious and I felt that I did need to defend myself with other professionals. Particularly in court, I was very afraid that the court professionals were going to believe the things that he was saying and that everything was going to be used against me.
Why do you think that was your belief?
I think when somebody tells you certain things enough, you start to believe them.
When you're with a high conflict personality and they're always telling you how wrong you are, how bad you are, how stupid you are, how much in trouble you're going to be, how you're going to screw things up, etc., it's almost like a brainwashing at a certain point. That fear that everybody else is going to see what he's saying you are, and they're going to see him as what this charismatic, smart, together guy.
I would receive messages such as, “The judge will see you who for who you really are.” Messages like that. After a while, you start to believe these things that are put into your head when they're put in there constantly.
How did that fear impact you as you were going through the divorce?
It was really rough and it caused a lot of anxiety. But as things went on, as the years have gone on, i've started to realize that that fear doesn't hold any water.
In fact, healthy-minded people, especially in the courts who run into folks with personality disorders, they actually catch on pretty quickly, don't they?
That would be my experience. I felt that they did start to pick up on things pretty quickly, and I was surprised. I thought I had a big battle ahead of me and right away, a lot of individuals really picked up on it and could see the writing on the wall.
In my divorce, that was one of the more surprising things too. I just thought my ex would fool everybody and I quickly realized that I was the one who had this skewed perspective. When you think back on your experience going into coaching to help you support yourself through the divorce, what impact do you feel the coaching had on your journey?
How Coaching Transformed My Divorce: From Constant Battles To Lasting Peace
I think coaching was really probably one of the biggest things that helped me through it. As I said before, it changes your mindset. It changes the way you think because you start to realize that you can't change how the other person acts. You can't change what they're going to do or what they're going to say. However, once you change the way you think about their actions and their words and you change your mindset, you're able to see what's going on from a less emotional standpoint. You can see it more from an outsider's point of view. You can get through it. It doesn't mean that there won't be triggers and it doesn't mean that there won't be battles, but you're able to handle the battles a lot better, or you're able to shut them down before they even start.
When you first met me, you were getting some emotional support from therapy. Can you just share with our readers what you found to be the difference between your therapy and coaching?
I remember that it must have been around the third session of coaching that I had when I realized that those three sessions helped me more than the many years of therapy. Therapy was helpful. Therapy was a lot more reflective, I guess, looking back at things that had been said or done and just reflecting back on them. I didn't feel that there was as much of a way to move forward past them.
Whereas with coaching, you were able to give me tools that I was able to actually tangibly use and I was able to implement right away. It was by the second or third coaching session that I was starting to see a change. I was starting to see an actual change in the way I was handling things and the way that I was thinking about handling things. I slowly but surely was able to see a change in even the way that my ex was reacting to me.
Once you change your mindset, everything else changes.
As you changed, you actually saw his reactions change?
Yes. There was some pushback, for sure, in the beginning because I was putting my foot down about certain things, which I had never done before. Not in a combative way, but in a setting a boundary way. There was definitely some pushback at first, but I held my ground and you had told me there would be, and there was. I pushed through it. Slowly but surely, the texts and the emails were becoming fewer and fewer and everything just slowly dissipated. It went from getting multiple emails and texts a day to a few during the week to maybe once a week to once every couple of months, which is basically where I am now.
I think that had I told you that, that all of that was going to slow down just based on you changing your way. In the beginning, I remember there was just this disbelief that that would have any impact. You just described beautifully the ripple effect that it had.
Absolutely. I would've thought, “No way this person is how they are and they're just going to keep coming at me.”
During your divorce, what were the fears that you had of your future? What would you say were 1 or 2 of the key fears that you had?
One of the fears I had was that the battles would never end and that I was going to have to continue living my life with these constant battles and the constant intrusion without any peace. That was definitely one of my biggest fears. Another fear I would say is just being able to protect my child from having to deal with the same issues.
Let's take that first one, the battles. Did that fear come true, the constant battles?
No, it hasn't because like I said, once I was able to implement the tools that you've given me where I can really stop most of these battles before they start, there are a lot less battles to be had.
Elle, I just want to say, having worked with you through so many ups and downs and watched your transformation from, as you described, that ball of anxiety in the beginning and even listening to you now, you sound so calm and centered and levelheaded. I know that you're still dealing with plenty of challenges because dad remains dad after all of this time.
I just want to acknowledge what i've seen in, in the change in you. You've done such a beautiful job of describing the lessons learned and the tools. Before we wrap up, any final words of encouragement that you have for those reading who may be in the early stages, who may be experiencing the fear, the overwhelm, the lack of boundaries? What would you say to them?
Your Power Lies In Your Mindset: Final Words Of Wisdom
I would say that once you change your mindset, everything changes. That and setting very firm, clear boundaries will really release you from a lot. Once you set boundaries, most of the turmoil and the battles won't even take place. That and changing your thought process, because you have zero control over the actions of your ex-spouse. They're going to do whatever they're going to do. They're going to say whatever they're going to say.
You can try to stay ahead of the game, but you'll be caught by surprise quite often. Once you have that mindset of how to handle it, when you are caught by surprise, your reaction will change and it will make all the difference in the world. It will mean your sanity. They're not going to change, so you can't expect them to, and you have to be the one to change. Really, just changing the way you think about it is enough.
When you change, your life gets to change, right?
Exactly.
Beautiful. Thank you so much, Elle, for taking the time to speak with us and sharing your journey, and I just wish you the very best going forward. Thanks so much.
You're very welcome.
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