Guest Blog: Finding Clarity, Hope, and Healing with The MEND Project

When you’re in a confusing, painful, or difficult relationship, the most challenging part can be putting words to what’s happening, especially if you have not yet identified the underlying issues of your relationship problems If the core problem is covert narcissism it will be more difficult to describe the confusing and manipulative behaviors being employed against you. You may feel unseen, unheard, or misunderstood when you speak up or reach out for help. At The MEND Project, our mission is to help you find clarity, identify and name your experience, and take empowered steps toward change and healing. 

We’ve created a range of resources—from easy-to-read handouts to monthly webinars, coaching circles, and self-paced and accredited courses. These tools and resources provide both survivors and responders with the language, tools, and perspective needed to interrupt harmful patterns and move toward relational safety, authentic connection with others, and hope. 

Below is an overview of the tools we offer and how they might help you or someone you are walking alongside on their journey. 

Handouts: Tools for Understanding and Naming What’s Happening 

Our handouts are often the first point of clarity for people in confusing or harmful relationships. They’re clear, concise, practical, and written with deep understanding and care, so they don’t overwhelm you while you’re still processing. 

•  Original Abuse – Many people recognize overt abuse, but covert emotional abuse can be harder to detect—and often more damaging over time. This handout shows how ongoing patterns of manipulation, control, and demeaning behavior erode a person’s sense of self, confidence, health, and well-being. 
•  Double Abuse® – Also called secondary abuse, occurs when survivors are further harmed by the very people or systems they turn to for help—through responses such as disbelief, judgment, apathy, or ultimatums. Understanding Double Abuse® can be life-changing because it validates the pain of not being believed and shows that you’re not “too sensitive” for feeling further oppressed, confused, and even isolated by these responses.
•  Terms and Definitions – Words are powerful. This guide provides a comprehensive list of covert behaviors in clear and concise language, enabling you to experience validation and name them with confidence and clarity, thereby advocating for yourself effectively. 
•  The Maze of Confusion – Emotional abuse often feels like a maze where crazy-making conversations go in circles rather than reach solutions, and the truth is distorted, while your reality is constantly questioned. This visual tool helps you recognize those conversations and see them for what they are—deliberate tactics that keep you off balance. 
•  The Pillars of Abuse - Behind abusive behavior often stand four pillars that make up the mindset of the abuser: a faulty belief system, entitlement, image management, and a low emotional IQ. The fifth pillar, preferential treatment (cultural, prejudicial, or hierarchical), is added when "Double Abuse®" occurs. This is a type of harm that takes place when, after the victim speaks up, friends, family, a faith community, or an institution provides special accommodation to the abuser and minimizes or dismisses the victim's experience. 
•  The Iceberg Analogy – Like an iceberg, much of the harm of Double Abuse® lies beneath the surface. The visible part of the iceberg might be a dismissive comment or cold silence, but underneath is a large, deep structure of invalidation, judgment, and emotional withdrawal from others that makes the original harm feel much worse. 
•  The Healing Model of Compassion – Whether friends, family, faith leaders, or therapists, this model for responders shows how to offer help in ways that truly comfort and support: Listen, Accept, Empathize, Validate, Identify, Encourage, Ask, and Grieve. And if you’re a survivor, this tool demonstrates what healthy responses to you sharing your story should look and feel like. 
•  The Accountability Model of Courage – Abuse thrives in silence and darkness. This model provides a clear path to addressing harmful behavior when it’s appropriate to do so, and only with the permission of the individual being harmed—centering on the survivor’s needs and boundaries at every step. 

Our Website: A Hub of Healing and Education

The MEND Project website (themendproject.com) is more than a collection of resources—it’s a place to find language for your experience, see that you’re not alone, and connect with a community committed to ending abuse. 

Here you’ll find: 

•  All our downloadable handouts 
•  Access to our webinar library and podcast episodes 
•  Information about our courses, coaching, and training 
•  Articles and blog posts to help you better understand emotional abuse and recovery 
•  Survivor stories that validate and inspire 

Free Monthly Webinars & On-Demand Recordings 

Every month, our founder, Annette Oltmans, hosts free online webinars for survivors, responders, and professionals. Topics range from understanding covert manipulation to protecting your emotional safety and practicing self-compassion while changing your internal thoughts and beliefs about your self-worth. 

If you can’t attend live, every webinar is recorded and added to our on-demand library—available on our YouTube channel. This way, you can return to the material whenever you need it. 

Many participants tell us these webinars are their first step toward understanding what they’ve been experiencing —and that they are not to blame. We hope you’ll join us for these empowering experiences. 

Coaching Calls & Supportive Community 

For those who want a more interactive, personal space to process what they’re going through, our Restore Coaching Calls offer virtual small-group coaching sessions with our founder, Annette Oltmans. 

These calls create a safe and supportive environment where survivors and responders can:

•  Ask questions about their unique situations 
•  Receive compassionate, validating feedback 
•  Learn how to apply MEND’s tools to their relationships 
•  Connect with others who understand 

Self-Paced Courses for Survivors and Responders 

Our flagship self-paced course, “Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships,” is designed to help you identify patterns, understand the dynamics at play, and gain the clarity you need to make empowered choices with newfound confidence. 

This course has been described by many graduates as “saving them a year of traditional therapy” because it rapidly processes their experiences and jumpstarts their healing process, and helps you see your situation in a new light without shame or telling you what to do. 

Continuing Education Courses for Professionals 

Therapists, coaches, clergy, educators, and other professionals who want to strengthen their ability to identify and respond to emotional abuse can take our APA-accredited 9.5-hour CE course. 

Taught by Annette Oltmans in collaboration with Dr. David Hawkins, sponsored by The Institute on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma, and sanctioned by the APA this training covers: 

•  Recognizing and naming covert emotional abuse behaviors 
•  Differentiating the one being harmed and the one causing harm 
•  Responding effectively to both survivors and offenders without causing additional harm and exacerbating trauma
  
•  Understanding advocacy and preventing Double Abuse® 

Why These Resources Matter 

Every survivor’s journey is unique, yet certain patterns are painfully common: 

• Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells 
•  Doubting your memory or perception 
•  Being told you’re too emotional when you speak up 
•  Feeling more exhausted and alone after seeking help than before you asked 

Our tools exist to help you break through the fog. Survivors gain the language to describe what’s happening. Responders gain skills to support without causing unintentional harm. And professionals gain the clarity and strength to address and confront abuse at its root. 

Your Story Matters 

At MEND, we believe: 

•  You are not the problem. 
•  Every bit of you has been impacted, and every bit deserves care.
• Healing takes time—and you can begin your story again at any moment. 

Whether you explore our handouts, join a webinar, take a course, or connect through coaching, you’ll find resources that respect your pace and honor your experience. And, if you would like to share your story, you can do so anonymously on our website. 

You are not alone. We are here to walk with you toward clarity, courage, and healing—one step at a time.

If you haven’t yet, we encourage you to explore our resources at themendproject.com. And, if you’re in a difficult, confusing, or abusive relationship, consider taking our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. This program was created for situations just like yours and has been life-changing for so many.