I love you, please change!

By Karen McMahon

Accepting how people show up in our relationships

One of the most liberating action steps that we can take in ALL our relationships is to accept others as they are.  It is the first step to living in peace with our ex, teenagers, mother, etc.

EVEN if that person is hurtful, abusive or inconsiderate…in fact, even more so, accepting that they are who they are opens the possibility for us to relate to them differently.

How often do we get frustrated, angry or disappointed with how someone in our life is being in relationship to us?  Do we find ourselves thinking or saying:

• Why do you have to be that way?
• I get so angry every time you do that!
• I need you to stop acting that way!
• You’re always late and it makes me feel…
• You are so inconsiderate and it hurts!

When we stop resisting who someone is or how he or she is showing up, it is no longer about us.  Jane is being Jane.  She is not doing it to me.  John, likewise, is being John; it is how he navigates life.

Once we accept that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and how they choose to show up in their relationships is how they show up, we can begin to make our choices with a clearer mind.  Likewise, if we judge Jane or John as bad, wrong, purposely hurtful, we become the victims of their behavior and the only way out seems to be to change their behavior.

How would it change our perspective if we were to accept, without judgment, that Jane can be insensitive, Chris can be stubborn, John can be hostile, Mary can be intrusive…that we actually know how many of the people in our lives show up and that they are just being themselves?  What does accepting who they are open up for us?

First, we stop trying to change them.  That doesn’t mean that we stop believing that they can change, but we stop trying to control them into changing.

Second.  We no longer blame them for our reaction to them.  I know you tend to be a certain way.  It no longer surprises me nor does it upset me. I expect it.

Third. Now that I am clear on how you might be each time we interact, I am fully empowered to choose when and how to interact with you and how I want to be when you show up emotionally as you often do.

I have let go of my resistance of how you are being and in doing so I have empowered myself to set healthy boundaries and to take what I like and leave the rest. 

My 14 year old daughter came back from reconciling with her dad.  He did not apologize for his hurtful words but expected her to apologize.  He justified his verbal abuse by judging her teenage attitude as being deserving of it.  She was able to see that he wasn’t going to change.  She respectfully disagreed with him and understood that she would have to set boundaries. But she also realized that she missed the good parts of her relationship with him.  So she said, ‘mom I am going to take what I like and ignore the rest…he is not going to change but there are parts of him I love.”  Wow…a lesson to be learned here!

Using this method of not taking other people’s ‘ways’ personally allows you to drop the judgment of them and bring the focus back to yourself.  How do you choose to act and interact with people who push your buttons?  What can you do differently if you must interact with them as in an ex whom you need to co-parent with?

Acceptance comes in many ways.  Sometimes we resist whom people in our lives are showing up as.  Other times we resist how circumstances are unfolding.

What we resist, persists.

When we shift to acceptance
we begin to be the change we wish to see in the world

Nothing changes until something changes…you can choose to be that change

If you change the steps to the dance you are used to doing with someone, their steps also change…they may step on your toes or choose a new way to move that enables you to continue to dance together.  Regardless of what they do, you are always empowered to choose your next step.

**Note: When you are in an abusive relationship, the same rules apply.  You may feel you have no choice, but that is more a matter of your perspective than of your reality.  Your choices may be difficult, they may even all feel unacceptable, but you have choices.  No one can control you once you accept who he or she is and choose the healthiest course of action for yourself.  It is never easy and sometimes it is incredibly frightening but on the other side of your fear is a sweet freedom that you deserve and will relish.

A great book that discusses this concept is:  “The Four Agreements”, by Don Miguel Ruiz

My next post will be on acceptance of circumstances.

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Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon

Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.