We discussed Awareness as the first step toward peace…a practice of mindfulness or witnessing our thoughts, feelings and actions. Instead of seeing things as happening to us, when we are aware or conscious of our part in every circumstance, we realize we have choices. Awareness Enlightens us so that we can see our part in our unfolding circumstances.
Realizing we have choices and Accepting this new found power are two different things. We can choose to resist or accept our part in every difficulty we face. Resistance looks like blame and when we blame, we choose to slip back into our victim mentality and see everything as being done TO us.
For instance…My husband is to blame, he is an alcoholic and has been emotionally unavailable since we married. My wife is controlling and has been verbally and emotionally for years. My husband cheated on me and destroyed our family. My wife never worked even after the kids grew up; I gave her everything and now the court is going to give her most of my money!
Acceptance is realizing that we have a part in all our circumstances and CHOOSING to own our part. It is also accepting people for who they are and accepting circumstances for what they are.
What was your part in the dynamic in your marriage? Did you lose yourself?
If no one put you on his or her priority list, were you on your own list? Did you marry someone and then expect him or her to change or think you could change them? Did you set healthy boundaries? Were you able to speak your mind honestly and authentically? Were you guided by fear instead of your heartfelt desires?
When we are Accepting our part in the dissolution of our marriage, it is vital that we do so with love and compassion for ourselves.
Many times we have accepted unacceptable behavior out of fear or familiarity. We have chosen to stay in situations that were not healthy for us or our children because...
Acceptance understands that we DID have choices and we chose the best we could at the time, but we did choose. We were not helpless children, we were adults with choices and we made ours, perhaps unconsciously, but we were active participants in the unfolding.
If you are struggling with betrayal, it is incredibly painful. If you feel victimized by your circumstances, I encourage you to look at your marital problems (pre-affair). Rarely is infidelity born of a healthy marriage with good communication. In fact most of my clients whose spouses have cheated begin by saying how wonderful everything was until he/she had an affair. Typically as we dig deeper, one or both spouses were unhappy or uncommunicative for some time before the trauma of the affair. You are absolutely NOT responsible for the infidelity. Yet owning responsibility for your part in the broken relationship that existed before the infidelity, is a essential step toward beginning to heal.
Once we accept our part in even the most painful circumstances, our ability to see an array of choices opens up to us. When we are a victim, we have a pin-hole view of our options. We are simply at the behest of those doing something to us. When we are responsible participants, we begin to see many choices (sometimes they all seem to stink, but there are still a variety of choices) and we are now empowered to choose.
As you go through your divorce, where are you seeing yourself as the victim of circumstance? Where can you begin to accept your part?
Awareness Enlightens us to our part in our circumstances through consciously witnessing our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Acceptance Empowers us to own our choices and in doing so to Choose to change the perspectives and behaviors which have not served us and to embrace new ones that honor who we want to be.
Action is boldly stepping out of our comfort zone and the way we have been behaving. It is trusting in our ability to create a life we love. Action is the implementation of our awareness and acceptance which leads to a transformation from how we have been showing up to how we Choose to Be Now and in the future. More on this in my next post.
Please share your thoughts and experiences on this.
If you are struggling with acceptance, a few private coaching sessions can liberate you from the being held hostage by your thoughts (your resistance). Click here to request a Free Call to see if coaching is right for you.